Schizophrenia and technology

I've not blogged for almost 2 years now... and every once so often i remember that this blog exists-and urge myself to pen some stuff. But somewhere along the line, i never bothered to update the blog.

I've been thinking of this topic for a while now. And couldn't find a place to air my thoughts till i remembered that i have my own nook to write my own stuff... Of course, i also did put in a 1 liner update on facebook on the topic...

I was quite frustrated one day - dont remember with what, was it life in general, work related stuff, people at home or anything else. And i wanted to vent out my feelings in public - kinda gives the comfort that people are listening. And i thought to myself, why dont i create an alias facebook profile which doesn't have any of family, friends or colleagues in the network? That way i can rave and rant to my heart's content and get sympathy from strangers.

Suffice to say, i never did go ahead with that plan, but it got me thinking that if multiple personalities or schizophrenic behaviour was tough to trace a few years ago, it would be worse now. I could create profiles, login from home and be completely someone else online with my own fantasy life, and noone in my real life family would know about it. - Boggles the mind doesn't it?

Another thing that added on to my thoughts on this topic was the fact that i had started using a second Sim card as a alternate mobile number. And this was helpful when we were doing some house hunting. I would call from my regular number and get all details, and cross check them from my second number using an "alias" personality. If i was doing this, with full cognizance of the reasons and rationale, imagine the folks who have discovered the anonymity that a mobile phone has afforded them. Unlike fixed line connections, there is no address/ name lookup facility for mobile numbers. Unlike fixed line connections, i can easily acquire a number and discard it as my whims and fancy tale me.

I know several folks use alternate email IDs for chatting with strangers, for signing up on websites which may tend to spam your mailbox etc. But i never realized it was symptomatic of a larger problem, which now can only grow larger.

On the positive side, what is the harm if we do have an alternate "online" or "mobile" personality? It may relieve the stress of daily life and provide some fantasy in an otherwise boring life... as long as we don't confuse reality with fantasy

Lyrics i love, but dont quite get!!!

I was listening to some retro in the middle of (yet another) long traficcy drive home... stuck in the worst jam (Are there any other kind of jams) of the century, when i heard two of my fav. songs...
Given that they were old numbers id heard countless times, i realized that i hadnt paid much attention to the lyrics - at least for the first one. Which is quite poetic, and filled with, if i may say - hopeful despair!!! By U2, its a number called...i still haven't found what im looking for... The first two paras (Edited for repeats) are poetic... and read as below

I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
I have run I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found
What I'm looking for

The next segment gets all holy or im yet to understand the non-religious allusions to lyrics like "kingdom come", "you carried the cross", "tongue of angels"

The other one
Simple song, or is it....speaks of being unfaithful despite being in love... Used to think it was a super duper romantic number till i paid close attention today...now its more - "You men" than romance:)
"Leaving on a jet plane"
The romance begins

All my bags are packed down, i'm ready to go,
i'm standing here outside your door
i hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breaking,it's early morn
The taxi's waiting, he's blow his horn
Ai'm so lonesome i could die

And the "oh you men" part... to be fair ,it can be directed as "oh you women" as well - Janis joplin did a cover of this anyways...so here goes
There's so many times i've let you down
so many times i've played around
but darling now they don't mean a thing
every place i go i think of you
every song i sing i sing for you
when i come backi'll wear your wedding ring...
Yeah right... But they still remain on my all time fav. list...

The bulls and bears!!!

After what seems to have been an allround depressing day, i decided that i might as well as do it all today. So i did the one thing ive been dreading for months now...

Opened up my trading account...

And discovered that there is always reason for a day to get worse. Quite a difference that...from my normal attitude that things can only get better, a.k.a. there are always five billion people give or take a few million who are worse off than you...

My portfolio results - 30% loss on my mutual fund holdings, 10% loss on equity.

Shocked. Coz i got into the market at 5000 levels of the sensex. And i sustained my profits after that through thick and thin.

But then, the optimist in me (Which surprises me by still being alive) tells me that i should relook and pick more of my stocks at current levels. After all, wasnt it phil fischer (or was it ben graham) who said that you cant time the market if you go for a value pick.

So let me do what i am best at doing...making the best of where i am... My stock picks were known for being spot on a few years ago. I shall revert to type and dig my nose into numbers and data again. After all, the markets down, what better time to enter!!!

Music that makes me want to smile, laugh and cry at the same time!!!

I watched ABBA the movie (a.k.a. Mamma Mia) recently. It revived a lot of memories in me, including some of my fav. lyrics which have made me break out into a smile, laugh outright or go all gooey-eyed. And as i watched the movie, i recalled pieces of the lyrics which do that to me...

• "Don't go wasting your emotion....Lay all your love on me"
• "It was like shooting a sitting duck
  A little small talk, a smile and baby I was stuck
  I still don't know what you've done with me
  A grown-up woman should never fall so easily"
• Chiquitita - the song which i can easily listen to five times in a row...
  "So the walls came tumbling down
  And your loves a blown out candle
  All is gone and it seems too hard to handle"
  "Chiquitita, you and I cry
  But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
  Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
  Sing a new song, chiquitita"
• "Who found out that nothing can capture a heart
  Like a melody can?
  Well, whoever it was, Im a fan"
• "If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
  You can take the future even if you fail
  I believe in angels
  Something good in everything I see"

The class...

This is one bit of poetry which is a class apart...and ironically, i remembered this when i was mentally reviewing the story of "The Class" by Erich Segal...He uses this poem as a lead-in to Danni Rossi...

I thought the sparrow’s note from heaven,
Singing at dawn on the alder bough;
I brought him home, in his nest, at even;
He sings the song, but it cheers not now,
For I did not bring home the river and sky

- Emerson (From "Each and all")
http://www.bartleby.com/248/151.html

The other one that stays is

No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use,
Politic, cautious, and meticulous,
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse

Que sera sera

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart
What lies ahead?
Will we have rainbows
Day after day?
Here's what my sweetheart said:

Que sera, sera.
Whatever will be, will be.
The future's not ours to see.
Que sera, sera.
What will be, will be.

Missing you

There are the oddest times i miss you... and today was one such day. I wonder how life would have panned out had you been around... Would i be where i am today? Would you look at me and be proud of who i had become, or would you have expected more? Would you have been that strong shoulder i miss, or would you have dominated my life so much that i could not move? Would you have loved the chattering i do, or would you have shut me up? Would i have disappointed you when i fell in love, or would you have loved the guy just because i did? Would i be a different person than who i am today? Would i be more "acceptable" rather than the rebel? Would mom not have lost as much weight? Would sis be so insistently independent?

The first time i heard this poem read out, i remembered you. And everytime i repeat some of these lines, you are the only person i think about.
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Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
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I wonder...
... I miss you
...I wish you were around