Dasavatharam (Or) How i stroked my ego with a so-called magnum opus

In 1964, Stanley Kubrick made a movie, called "Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb". Now i have never seen this movie, except for the scene where one of the characters rides a neuclear bomb. Which is probably the most famous scene in this movie.

Then Why do i remember this movie? Because i saw Kamalhaasan's latest movie. Which i believed should have been titled a-la-Kubrick as "Dasavatharam, or: How i stroked my ego with a so called magnum opus" or... "Dasavatharam or: Why the tsunami came, and why the heck cudnt it have carried away kamal with it"

Much has been written about this movie, by many a fan, and many a critic; All first hand comments i have heard have all been un-complementary (i shall refrain from using the word deregatory, lest i get sued for slander). I thought i'd post a review. But instead, i have decided to post it based on a series of comments i was sending to my friends and colleagues via sms which probably sums it up better. So here goes...

• Watching 10-avataram
• Avatar no 1 is too gory for words (the 12th century one)
• Konjam jaasti tamizh. enakku puriyala (ditto)
• Horrible start to dasavatharam - pakaadha
• Avatar no 1 drowns tied to a Vishnu statue in the despotic reign of some unheard of Chozha king who has a shivite fanaticism.
• Indha padathula avatar no two ships himself to India. As part of a courier package. How horrible
• Mallika doing a cabaret in las vegas for a tamil song. This is three much
• How many levels in the parking game on iphone did you complete
• Renegade CIA agent Kamal is now hunting for the biological weapon which scientist kamal couriered to some address along with mallika, who is a tamilian cia agent trained in Pakistan. Now they are going to Chidambaram to find the weapon where Asin, (the grand daughter of Old Woman Kamal ) is singing a Bhakti paadal
• Now Avatar no 5, named Avatar Singh (what an imagination) who is married to Jayapradha, and happens to be a Punjabi sing(h)er who sings in Tamil, is diagnosed with Throat cancer
• Movie sucks. The most scary avtar is the old woman. Incidentally, she is locking herself in a cupboard.
• If you still want to watch this movie, you are a glutton for punishment. U can watch in any language, its all the same
• Now RAW head Kamal is after the renegade CIA and scientist because the old woman Kamal threw the weapon into the Perumal ( Vishnu’s) statue (which was hollow – how I wonder)
• Now avtar no 9 (or is it 6) – social servant kamal is exposing the sand stealing mafia in the media (Live on tv). Incidentally, it is in this sand quarry where the perumal statue is buried by scientist Kamal and Asin to keep the biological weapon cool
• Now sardar kamal who has cancer if the nosebleed variety has decided to singh his swan song. But his medication ka dabba is switched. And with what? A lookalike dabba which contains the perumal statue.
• Somewhere in this mess, comes a tall Kamal, obviously uncomfortable on stilts… As a muslim pathan who talks Junoon Tamizh. Why he comes? I have no clue. Oh, yeah, there is KR Vijaya as his “Umma” and Nagesh somewhere in the frame.
• Now there is a face off on the shores of Some place. Supposedly Chidambaram or thereabouts. Looks like velankanni to me. I hope the two places are close by. Else its a boo-boo. There is CIA agent vs scientist. With the RAW fellow hovering on the top in a chopper.
• Now, Karate master kamal decides to avenge the death of his protégé who the renegade cia agent kamal killed, so there is a three-some. Yuck. Except its all three Kamal. Even more yuck
• Oh yeah somewhere in between, they remember that the weapon can be destroyed by NaCl. Loads of it. Tons of it. And President Bush is told about this. Bush (Kamal again) being who he is, and this is the most realistic portrayal, doesn’t understand NaCl, and asks if the weapon can be bombed with nuclear bombs instead
• Renegade CIA agent is almost routed by Karate Master. Decides to kill himself (Hara-kiri, except it’s the American version – “If I Die, the world dies” types). Swallows the weapon. Coughs blood, dissolves makeup. Dies a gruesome death, and infects the blood with the weapon.
• All desperate to see how the infection can stop.Enter the tsunami, which brings required salt. People die. Virus also dies.
• Hence tsunami had a purpose, and it also throws out the 12th century vishnu statue which was sunk in scene 1 of movie.... Proving what goes in comes out. Yuck
• Oh yeah, and the Singh Kamal, with throat cancer, is shot at some point by CIA Kamal. And miracle of miracles…what happens? Doctor says that the bullet cleanly did away with the cancerous tissue. Wow. Super. Reminds me of the Mithun (or Rajini) email forward.
• And Kamal (who cares which one) and Asin live happily ever after.

Long live tsunami. May you sweep Kamal away next time and spare me from similar horrors.